Marital Advice? Sure why not…

19 02 2010

Dear Lazlo, 

I have a problem of a slightly personal nature, that maybe you could shed some of that all-knowing light on.

I’ve got a woman friend in my life, and have had for about 7 or so years now. She’s a good woman, I could do a hell of a lot worse. A ways back though, we separated for about 6 months, moved apart (we were living together), but eventually found ourselves back together, and all’s well with the world.

Or so it would seem.

Lately, I’ve noticed that she’s dropping hints about Marriage more and more, sometimes stopping just short of outright asking me, for which I am grateful. As in all honesty, I have found that I enjoying living by myself quite a damn lot. No mess, lots of space, Lots of time to draw, I’m sure you can understand what I mean….

Also, good woman that she is, She can be a right nut bag sometimes. Now, that’s normal for about 95% of the woman I’ve ever met, but now that this “marriage” thing has reared its head, I find myself projecting far into the future with every outburst. The slightest annoyance seems to hold the promise of an eternity of grief.

That being said, I’m not against the idea either, but something is scaring the living shit out of me about embarking on such serious adult business.

Any advice for a man in my situation?

Scott

Hello Scott.

This certainly is a serious situation to be in and you certainly aren’t the only guy out there with cold feet when it comes to long term commitment. There is a theory that men don’t want long term commitment because there is some cave man instinct in us that forces us to sow our seeds in every available woman. Likewise they say women want a long term relationship because they crave stability. This train of thought is both correct and incorrect. Some women love ‘playing the field’ and plenty of guys go silly over women and get infatuated which leads them to stalk girls and sometimes break into their house to sniff their dirty underwear and sometimes ejaculate on their pillows.

I’ve been in a similar situation as you before. I lived on my own for a number of years and I loved it…for a while. I was my own boss, could do what I wanted and quite often never wore clothes when I was home much to the chagrin of my next door neighbours. But there was something missing. I needed that relationship. I mean I didn’t need anyone to cook for me because I could reheat my own frozen dinners and buy my own clothes (who needs washing when you have a credit card). Having a woman in my life seemed to centre everything and I dare say, made me settle down. Not in a bad way. Had I continued my existence I’d most likely be a rotting corpse poorly covered by leaves in Toohey Forest due to unpaid drug debts to overzealous Russian gangsters.

Now you need to ask yourself a question. Do you truly love this woman? Scary and serious question isn’t it?. If, at any stage you look at her and go “hmmm nah” then don’t kid yourself that you have an awesome relationship. Marriage is a scary proposition and spending the rest of your life with someone is truly terrifying. I actually skipped the whole marriage first thing when I inseminated my partner during a gin and wine induced lustful haze of a night. We actually talked about marriage beforehand and said “who needs a certificate! Pfft” but now we have a mini-Panaflex running around it makes sense to get married for certain monetary reasons.
You are also very correct in saying that 95% of women are nut bags. Actually it has been scientifically proven (outlined in a forthcoming book called “Women: How to Live With Them, How to Dig a Shallow Grave” by yours truly. Released September ‘10) that every single woman possesses the ‘nut bag’ gene which turns them from mild mannered doe-eyed lasses to raging vicious psychopaths in milliseconds. There is no denying this outright fact. When you live with a woman, regardless of how lovely she is, there will be at least one “Sweet Jesus! I need to get the fuck away from this wailing Medusa” moment in your relationship. If you continuously think of your beloved as a soul-wrenching psychic vampire then I suggest finding another lady or consigning yourself to a life of bachelorhood.

What I would suggest you do is think carefully about your relationship and if you want to take it to the next step, then work out some ground rules. You and I are similar in that we need Our Own Time. You like to draw and I like to visit gay nightclubs where I pole dance in sexy drag under the psuedonym “Lolita Pillowsex”. It’s our way of escaping the mundane life of work and also provides us with a release. If your partner baulks at this idea then, well, words need to be said. Everyone needs a creative outlet, be it drawing or stand up comedy or ejaculating on pillows. A woman who refuses to give her partner this isn’t worth the time of day. I’m sure your lovely lady has a good head on her shoulders, after all she’s with you, so I’m certain she’ll understand.

Just don’t tell her about the ‘nut bag gene’ and/or my forthcoming book. I like my genitals where they are, thanks.

Much Love

Dr. Lazlo Panaflex

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Saying the Wrong Thing and How to Dig Up.

19 02 2010

Dear Dr Lazlo,

Hi, first time caller long time listener…

Ever since a young age, I seem to enjoy getting in awkward conversations. It usually involves saying something to someone to make them feel awkward or tetchy, causing a sometimes unpleasant reaction. Sometimes they think my odd humour is funny, which i also like more. It has caused me issues at work and meeting girlfriends’ parents and such.

For example, last night I was sitting in front of the open fire with my lovely lady and she commented about how she liked my smell, which was nice and also confusing. I told her I liked her smell (which I do) and that it was like horses and celery (which it is not). She didn’t find it funny and seems to be quite concerned about my false statement. I told her it was not true and tried to put her mind at ease but she is still quite disturbed.

What do i need to do?

Josh

Hey there Josh.

I hope this response finds you in good health. I myself am feeling very perky after a session at the gym (high level cardio plus some high intensity perving) and a double shot flat white. I also stole a donut from the meeting room while the meeting attendees were having a short break. The sugary hit combined with the rush of stealing something has me feeling very chipper. But this has nothing to do with your problem, so let’s get stuck into it.

You enjoy awkward moments in conversations, do you? I go through phases like this every month or so. Sometimes I just crave that initial awkward intake of breath and the slow exhale while looking around the room when someone has just said something inappropriate like “Hey do you guys have weird bumps on the shaft of your penis?” How you deal with this awkwardness says a lot about a person’s character. I have a variety of approaches but my personal favourite is this technique. The minute I realise that the witty jibe I just uttered was a tad on the offensive side, I stare really intently and grin widely. Really intently. And we aren’t talking a cheeky grin here like a naughty school boy. We’re talking grin so hard that your head feels like it will split in two. Imagine the kind of grin Ivan Milat got while driving along a road and seeing a backpacker hitch-hiking. Well, that kind of grin with added creepiness multiplied by seven. That’s what we are talking about.  Sometimes I’ll even throw in a nervous giggle too like ”hehehehehehehehehehehe”. You could even snort a bit when you do it. I know I certainly do. A well timed laugh-snort can really ease the tension in the room. One half of my office thinks I am a likeable person while the others seem to think I am clinically insane. It makes for a very enjoyable day.

Now, onto your issue with your lovely lady. What is her name? For the purposes of this response I shall call her “Yolanda”. Now does Yolanda have a good sense of humour? Does she routinely laugh at your witty jibes and observations like a good woman should? I sure hope so. Her anger at you is not uncommon from a woman, especially one seeking a compliment. You see, Yolanda telling you that she likes your smell was actually a loaded statement in that she was seeking confirmation that she smells pretty fucking terrific. You, being a fun filled man ready for some shenanigans, didn’t see this and fell into the trap so many me have done before. You said The Wrong Thing. This is a bad thing to do. Once, my ex-wife (Fatima Panaflex), asked me if her arse looked a bit big in a tight ball gown while I was watching the afternoon snooker match on the ABC. With a barely perceptible glance away from the television machine, I replied “Certainly not, my dear. When you walk in that dress it looks like two kids fighting under a blanket”. A nice cute comment, isn’t it? Harmless and witty? Yes it is. I probably should have left it at that. I certainly shouldn’t have run with this idea and followed my initial comment up with “Yeah two kids. Two really fat kids and one of them has severe flatulence”.

This is known as Taking It A Bit Too Far and this is what you’ve done. You need to grovel and apologise for making her confused and sad. You can try and weasel out of it by suggesting that horses and celery actually smell quite good but I would suggest buying some flowers, running her a nice hot bath and buying her dinner. Alternatively, you can tell her you were hit on the back of the head by an errant basketball as a teenager and as such your olfactory nerve was severed and you haven’t been able to smell properly since. Personally, I’d go with the lie because it opens up a whole new world of potential awkward moments that I know you’d love.

Yours truly,

Dr. Lazlo Panaflex





Addicted to Computer Games? A Solution Awaits…

19 02 2010

Dear Dr. Lazlo,

For the past 3 months I have been seriously addicted to an online video game. I am unsure why as the game isn’t really fun and everyone on it is a whiny bitch.

But I recently lost my job due along with 4 other casual full timers due to budget cuts and have had nothing better to do with my life then play this game, this mmorpg as the kids call it. It’s proving difficult to get in to a new career especially with the current crisis we have with jobs and the fact that I live in Adelaide.

What should I do? Should I delete my account on this game and quit cold turkey, should I play a little in moderation while seriously looking for a career or should I just say “Fuck it!” and move to Quebec?

I haven’t gone out properly in ages and if I do it’s usually just round the corner to the skate park or one of the 40 pubs surrounding my house.

Sexually yours,

Troy McNulty.

Hello Troy.

I’ll answer your question today because I am getting inundated of late and my assistant, Phuc Nguyen, is away on annual leave. Plus your issue is a tad more important than the other problems, so let’s get stuck in shall we?

Ah video games. I know your vice well, my friend. I too have been clamped tight by it’s sweaty, burger ring smelling grip for many a year. It started out when I first played a friend’s Atari. I played “Pitfall” and also “Combat” and pretty much fell in love straight away. I didn’t really like my friend, he was more of a ‘hanger-on’ type of character but each day I would make an excuse to go over to his house. “Oh, you dropped your pencil at school. I brought it home for you. Can I come in and play Atari?” I’d say. I pretended to be this kids friend for nearly 6 months until the fact that he smelt like curdled milk deterred me from coming over.

In the end, I begged my parents to get me a video game console and they reluctantly agreed. Sure enough under the Xmas tree was a shiny new video game. I ripped open the paper and had to hide my disappointment as the Atari I was expecting was actually a Hanimex HMG-7900. The HMG-7900 only came with a few games and my parents got me the “Sports Compendium” which, at first glance, looked pretty ace.

Actually it turned out that every game on it was a variation on Pong and I was bored out of my mind within 3 minutes. Since that fateful 1983 Xmas Day I have been obsessed with games and even now, at age 35 and with a family, I still find time to play on my PS3 where I hunt people like Furtanken down and shoot him in the face on a regular basis. In saying that, it isn’t a huge obsession anymore. I have it under control.

And that is what you need to do. Computer games can be fun but then one day you rub your eyes, look outside and suddenly realise that the lovely April afternoon you started playing is now a windy September morning. I’ve been there before (curse you Age of Empires II). You need to put the mouse down and get outside. I certainly don’t condone going cold turkey as this will only lead you to another habit forming activity like selling meth to kids or watching Oprah. What you need to do is set aside a certain amount of time a day to play your game and stick to it. I think I know the game you are playing and it can really suck you in. Perhaps find another game. One with an ending so once you finish it you can do something else. The game you are playing can really drag on and before you know it you’ll be a fat, 40 year old bearded monster half glued to your chair and smelling like sour sweat and hot shame.

Get more involved in skating or even take up a team sport. I find that sweaty japes with other likeminded men to be the perfect tonic for clearing my head and getting me focussed. Also try and meet some women. Preferably not online. This will also help. The power of the vagina is vastly underrated, my friend.

Oh and getting a job could prove useful in the future. Perhaps we can address this at a later date? And get the fuck out of Adelaide. That should have been my first piece of advice.

Faithfully yours,

Dr. Lazlo Panaflex