Anger Management 101.

19 03 2010

Dear Dr. Lazlo, when I get mad I tend to break things (small objects, house doors, people’s faces etc.) and this usually leads to costing me lots of money (replacing objects, fixing doors, paying off assault fines) it also has started to cause problems with the missus. If something slightly irritates me it’s “please don’t break something you always fucking break shit, you have no respect” this causes me to get mad and break things. Usually I want it to be her bones but for now I’ve been able to restrain myself and only bust up her pets and family members. What can I do to curb this violent temper of mine?

-Yours Truly, A Secret Sk8parx Forumer.

Hello there, Secret Angry Forumer. Do you mind if I call you Steve for this little session? I only say that because after reading your email, I immediately thought you sounded like a ‘Steve’ would sound like. I do believe my parents did the same thing but to this day I have no idea what a ‘Lazlo’ would sound like. Perhaps like a cross between the chirping of a recently hatched bird and a slightly broken edge trimmer. I’m not too sure.

You certainly do seem to have a few issues, don’t you Steve. Anger management is something that all of us have had to deal with in some point in our lives. Even your everyday peace-loving hippy can go into a frothy mouthed rage at the drop of a hat. Especially if they find a chunk of meat in their vegan stew. Especially if you put it there. My, that is a fun game. I suggest you try it one day. For extra fun, add cheese and dairy products into a lactose intolerant person’s meal and watch the expletives fly. It certainly does help to pass the time. A word of warning though, people who are allergic to peanuts are usually VERY allergic to peanuts. I found this out the hard way.

Controlling your anger is the first step. You say when things slightly irritate you, you then fly off the handle and break things including household objects and faces? Might I suggest some meditation? I find meditation to be a great way to focus your energy and control your feelings. Of course, it may also cause you to focus your anger, in turn making you an efficient killing machine who uses his hands to wreak vengeance upon an unsuspecting (or suspecting given how much you might yell when charging people) victim. Remember to breathe. Deep breaths in and out. I sometimes find that making a “weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” sound on the exhale makes the anger go away and fills me with a calming influence. It also indicates to other people nearby that you are meditating and not in some sort of drug stupor.

Once we have a handle on your anger we need to then work out why you fly into rages at the drop of the hat. Does something trigger your moods, Steve? I find ignorant people, the colour green and men called Nigel cause me to get all slitty-eyed and punchy. I also find when I am frustrated that my anger levels increase proportionately to my frustration levels. I first noticed this occurrence when I was on holidays with my Grandparents on the Gold Coast. They lived about 150m from Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary and it was always my dream to visit there for fun and frivolity. I was mainly interested in feeding the Rainbow Lorikeets but also fairly keen on finding and killing the bird that went “Berrrrk!!!” every morning waking me from my slumber. The day came when my grandparents took my sister and I to the sanctuary but much to my horror they drove us to Fleay’s Fauna Park in Burleigh Heads because it was cheaper. Let’s not get into the fact that I could see the fence to the Currumbin Sanctuary from my bedroom, it was far too expensive for my stingy grandparents.

If you haven’t been to Fleay’s Fauna Park, it can be described as a poor cousin to the Currumbin Sanctuary. All the animals are loose at Fleay’s, they don’t have their own cages. This is apparently an ‘attraction’. I saw it as they were too stingy to buy cages and therefore let the animals roam around together. At most sanctuaries you get specially made animal food to feed to the kangaroos and such. At Fleay’s they had home brand Fruit Loops mixed with handfuls of sawdust. This created an atmosphere of oppression, not dissimilar to that found at 3am in a suburban nightclub, mainly caused by the severely cranky and possibly diabetic marsupials. Being 9 years old and angry that I wasn’t at the tourist attraction of my choice I took my frustrations out on a small, and seemingly innocuous, wallaby. As it scrabbled around in the bag of food I was holding, most likely searching for something edible that wasn’t Fruit Loop flavoured sawdust, it nipped my hand. I took out my frustrations by kicking it squarely in the chest. I immediately regretted my actions not only due to the sight of a poor half-starved wallaby soaring across the enclosure like the first kick in the AFL Grand Final, but also because a nearby emu saw that I was distracted and decided to help itself to an unguarded bag of fruit loops. The ensuing scuffle and subsequent flurry of vicious emu pecks saw me hurtling across the meadow screaming like a banshee, sans shorts, with a large flightless bird in full chase. I learned two things that sunny afternoon. Never take out your frustrations on something with big soppy mammal eyes and emus see people wearing bright blue shorts as a threat to their territory.

In conclusion, Steve, it is wrong to hit things, especially women. I get the distinct feeling we’ll need to schedule some extra sessions sometime soon. In the meantime, I suggest trying meditation or even a yoga class. Try not to get angry at the yoga instructor. He wears those pants for a reason. Hippy chicks love them. Also, perhaps try a course of hardcore anti-depressants. This is a perfectly acceptable alternative to any sort of psychological treatment mainly because it absolves the prescribing doctor of any sort of responsibility should you lose the plot and “take some fuckers down with you”. I wish you well.

Dr. Lazlo Panaflex

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4 responses

20 03 2010
P. Gabriel

Hi Dr Lazlo.

I wondered if maybe you could have suggested listening to some soothing music as an alternative to agression.

For instance do you like Phil Collins? I’ve been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn’t understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins’ presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group’s undisputed masterpiece. It’s an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums. Christy, take off your robe. Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. Sabrina, remove your dress. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, the sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Sabrina, why don’t you, uh, dance a little. Take the lyrics to Land of Confusion. In this song, Phil Collins addresses the problems of abusive political authority. In Too Deep is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I’ve heard in rock. Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole. Phil Collins’ solo career seems to be more commercial and therefore more satisfying, in a narrower way. Especially songs like In the Air Tonight and Against All Odds. Sabrina, don’t just stare at it, eat it. But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist, and I stress the word artist. This is Sussudio, a great, great song, a personal favorite.

Just saying is all.

Kind regards
Pete.

22 03 2010
Angryman

^^^ More like Kind regards – Patrick Bateman

Your direct manipulation of quotes from “American Psycho” have made me mad. Now my girlfriend needs rhinoplasty. I’ll see you in court.

Bitch.

24 03 2010
E. Pluribus Unum

Dr. Lazlo,

I came across someone’s signature in a forum that was spuiking your website. It read thus:

“Some dumbcunt mate of mine who writes some funny shit. “.

From your endeavors seen so far on this blog, the forum poster is an excellent judge of character with a questionable sense of humour.

Regards,

E.

24 03 2010
Dr. Lazlo Panaflex

Thanks for your comment, E. It really does please me to see people have taken the time out of their possibly mundane lives to read this blog. And also to comment. I think I know the person you are referring to. I don’t want to publicly name him but I think he can be summed up in the following:

He smells a bit like burnt wire and sour milk.

He drives a large ancient yellow car which smells of poorly maintained engine block and dead prostitute.

He swears uncontrollably. This isn’t Tourrette’s Syndrome. He has been tested. He’s just an angry, lippy beast of a man.

He frequents a website/forum that seems to be populated entirely of vacuous geeks with greasy ponytails who stink of old sweat and hot shame.

Going on my dealings with him I can honestly say you are very wrong. He certainly isn’t a good judge of character (not many convicted paedophiles are) but he does have a great sense of humour. Mainly because of the drugs, you see.

Thanks again for taking the time to comment. I really appreciate it.

Much love

Dr. Lazlo Panaflex

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