Sexy Animals. Right or Wrong? Dr. Panaflex Advises.

17 03 2010

Hi Dr Lazlo.

First time reader, first time poster.

I read your advice column with some interest, but must admit to a little disappointment as at no time did you touch upon any animal related fantasies. For instance I have been assured that my habit of lightly stroking my perineal region with a kangaroo scrotum coin purse I purchased in Surfers Paradise on holiday in 1998 as I choke the life out of my man bits until they bulge purple is a quite normal and acceptable practice.

The librarian at Carindale shopping centre told me this when I quizzed her at length about my gooch related native mammal practices and judging by the fact that she had glasses and a small mole on her upper lip with two hairs in it I naturally assumed she was an authority on such things.

Could you please elucidate on why this day to day activity was left out of your piece of advice? I would hate to think that there are other readers out there such as myself (and I’m sure there are) who may be concerned that they are “doing it wrong” so to speak.

Yours sincerely,

Concerned Macropod Fancier.

Well hello there. Welcome to my blog.

Thank you for taking the time out of your very busy day to write a comment. I’m not sure what your day entails but going on your comment I am assuming you spend a fair bit of time collecting interesting skin samples and/or reading copies of National Geographic magazines from the early 1970’s. I used to love spending hour upon hour perusing the numerous copies of National Geographic that I found in my grandmother’s ‘library’. I say ‘library’ but it was basically a musty room full of piles and piles of magazines and books that smelt a bit like the tomb of an undiscovered mummy. I once spent several months diligently cataloguing her collection of magazines into my own kind of ‘Dewey Decimal System’, although my system was based on content categories rather than a sequential series of numbers and useful letters. Magazines were categorised based on the following content:

  1. Number of articles containing sharks and/or lions
  2. Pictures of war time atrocities.
  3. Issues covering Jane Goodall
  4. Nipple Content.

Needless to say, many a fun hour was spent in that dusty old room. Fun times indeed. Anyway, let’s get on with your question, Concerned Macropod Fancier. Do you mind if I call you Gavin? I think this will make it a bit easier for us to communicate? Now Gavin, I certainly don’t think there is anything wrong with fantasising, in a sexual way, about animals. This is perfectly normal behaviour, especially for a young man. What isn’t perfectly normal is when you start to act on this fantasy. This is known as bestiality or “the forbidden love” and has been frowned on in most civilised societies for quite a while now (feel free to insert a witty joke about New Zealand and/or Wales here).

You also most certainly aren’t alone either, so don’t beat yourself up about it (unless that is another of your favourite fantasies). I once had a patient who had a bit of a thing for crustaceans. He had a serious fetish for crabs, lobsters and the like. So much so that one day he decided to take it to the next level and was mortified when his wife and children walked in on him rigorously fisting himself as he writhed naked on a blow up mattress covered entirely by small hermit crabs and a rather large amount of industrial strength lubricant. Needless to say that therapy sessions were required for both him and his wife and the outcome has them both living happily together. He has an hour a week set aside as his ‘special time’ and she now calls when she’s on her way home. Of course his children had to be sent away to foster families but sometimes we all need to make sacrifices, don’t we Gavin?

So, in summary I certainly see nothing wrong about fantasising about completely obscure sexual desires as long as you don’t make the jump to full-on rampaging weirdo. In saying that, I think rubbing yourself on the perineum with a small yet silky smooth kangaroo scrotum is about as far as you should go with this, don’t you? If you take this any further you’ll find yourself in possibly perilous situation involving hardcore frottage with an aggressive, fully grown Eastern Grey kangaroo and we all know that this will lead to trouble for all parties involved. Might I suggest buying a full, figure hugging body suit made of kangaroo skin? Or even asking your hairy-mole librarian friend to join you in some native mammalian role-play? That could be the answer. Remember, always ‘ask’ not ‘force’ when it comes to this sort of thing. I really don’t think I can stress this enough.

I really do hope this helps you out and I certainly would love to hear from you in the future. Let me know how things work out. Now excuse me, I need to go and buy some hermit crabs from the local pet store. And some lubricant. Good luck, Gavin.

Dr. Lazlo Panaflex

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4 responses

19 03 2010
Angryman

Dear Dr. Lazlo, when I get mad I tend to break things (small objects, house doors, people’s faces etc.) and this usually leads to costing me lots of money (replacing objects, fixing doors, paying off assault fines) it also has started to cause problems with the missus. If something slightly irritates me it’s “please don’t break something you always fucking break shit, you have no respect” this causes me to get mad and break things. Usually I want it to be her bones but for now I’ve been able to restrain myself and only bust up her pets and family members. What can I do to curb this violent temper of mine?

-Yours Truly, A Secret Sk8parx Forumer.

19 03 2010
Dr. Lazlo Panaflex

Oh dear Jesus! I’ll be with you as soon as I bail out my new assistant, Paulie, out of jail again. He was caught fellating a homeless man in the park. Again. I hope this reply doesn’t make you angry. If so, tell your missus to break out the frozen peas.

26 09 2010
Rob Nichol

You know, this may sound odd, but I actually preferred your category 3 over category 4. While we never got to see them, I imagined Jane’s to be quite pert, while the ones you did get to see were often as long as the end of your finger and at the end of a pair of things distorted from years of being milked – and though they’ve had experience with them in their infant years, an image all normal young boys have repressed. But, oh, that Jane … seems even the Chimps wondered what was under that khaki shirt: http://i.timeinc.net/time/photoessays/2009/10q_jane_goodall/10q_jane_goodall_02.jpg

12 12 2010
Andy

You, sir, have a few problems. I like that in a man. But yes…you are right!!

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