Lustful Fantasising and its Consequences

16 03 2010

Hi Dr. Lazlo,

I have a question I want to ask.

This is a completely hypothetical scenario. Say you are dating/married/committed to a woman and you see yourself as a loyal chap, would you consider it morally wrong to spank the salami with visualisations of a different girl? I suppose you could keep it as your “little secret” but what I am wondering is if it would be a moral dilemma that you have dealt with in the past?


Well hello Kicks.

How’s your day been? Mine has been sort of okay however I am having an ‘issue’ with Gavin from Accounts. I won’t go into it in detail here other than to say I’ve been doing a bit of research into how deep a shallow grave has to be in order for it to be effective. The answer is: surprisingly deep. Sticks and twigs just don’t do the trick.

Now onto your question which is one that afflicts most men and, most certainly, plenty of women as well and that is: Is it morally wrong to think of a person other than your partner when ‘spanking the monkey’ or ‘diddling the doodle’? And the answer to this question is: Only if your partner finds out. Simple.

I think my loving partner would be horrified to know that on the rare occasions that I flog my sausage that I am usually thinking of Ricky Ponting’s fine century versus India at the MCG a few years ago. Sometimes I change grips and pretend I am Ricky smashing one through extra cover. For the money stroke I like to imagine Ricky dancing down the pitch and belting cantankerous spin bowler and renowned fuckwad Harbajan Singh over his head. It is up to you whether or not you tell your partner but just be prepared for her answer as well. She may well have a thing for Andrew O’Keefe from Deal or No Deal. And a woman who loves Andrew O’Keefe is a woman who needs serious help.

I know what it is like to be told that your partner thinks of someone else when indulging in some self-pleasure. An ex-girlfriend of mine once confided in me that she fantasised about Richard Wilkins when she gave herself a good fudding. Admittedly I took this rather well but only because I had a wee thing for Kerry-Anne Kennerly at the time. Of course I wanted to stay in a relationship so I didn’t tell her about my lust-interest. Some things should never see the light of day. To make things worse, she took my non-committal answer to her statement to mean I was ‘down with the whole thing’ and she wanted to take things to the next stage. You know where I am going with this, don’t you?

Yes, I had to dress up as Richard Wilkins once or twice a week when she felt randy. Let me tell you, you certainly do feel a bit daft standing at the foot of a bed wearing nothing but a beige jockstrap with a small furry tea cosy as a wig while you pretend to interview vapid celebrities on the red carpet with a 12” black dildo masquerading as a microphone. Needless to say, dressing as a C-Grade celebrity/reporter/ageless tanned zombie certainly got a bit degrading after a while and we went our separate ways. I was okay with this because this left me plenty of time to update and catalogue my Kerry-Anne Kennerly memorabilia. You know what I mean when I say “update” and “catalogue” don’t you? Of course you do.

Take Care

Dr. Lazlo Panaflex




2 responses

16 03 2010

Hi Dr Lazlo.

First time reader, first time poster.

I read your advice column with some interest, but must admit to a little disappointment as at no time did you touch upon any animal related fantasies.

For instance I have been assured that my habit of lightly stroking my perineal region with a kangaroo scrotum coin purse I purchased in Surfers Paradise on holiday in 1998 as I choke the life out of my man bits until they bulge purple is a quite normal and acceptable practice. The librarian at Carindale shopping centre told me this when I quizzed her at length about my gooch related native mammal practices and judging by the fact that she had glasses and a small mole on her upper lip with two hairs in it I naturally assumed she was an authority on such things.

Could you please elucidate on why this day to day activity was left out of your piece of advice? I would hate to think that there are other readers out there such as myself (and i’m sure there are) who may be concerned that they are “doing it wrong” so to speak.

Yours sincerely,
Concerned Macropod Fancier.

17 03 2010

Wow. I have a feeling I’m going to have to cancel all of my bookings today just to go through these issues with you. I think we’ll have to address you query in blog form. Sit down and make yourself comfy. I’ll be with you shortly.

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