A Fear of Death Has Nothing On a Fear of Moths

23 02 2010

Dear Dr Lazlo,

As a kid I had a very bad fear of death.. I do realise that I had many years to come but I still didn’t want to die of course I still don’t, And I would feel sick and throw up at the near thought of such a thing of course this would happen nearly every night I did grow out of it a few years later but I still do feel sick in the stomach when I think of it sometimes.

Have you ever had such a feeling, or are you a big doctor that isn’t scared of anything?

Ozzy

Hello Ozzy.

Thanks for taking the time to drop me a line. I know that young people these days tend to act like a Labrador puppy with ADHD when it comes to communication. I tried twittering the other day on the computer at the local library but for some reason I couldn’t navigate away from the “Russian Lolita Honeyz” page that kept popping up on my screen. Don’t get me wrong, I just didn’t waltz into a public library, click on a hardcore porn link and ‘get bizzay’ with my junk. Nothing like that. It’s like the six degrees of separation for computers. When you are surfing the net “Russian Lolita Honeyz” is only six clicks of the mouse away from “Haberdashery Supplies for the Homekeeper” especially if you have wandering fingers like I do. It is a serious problem. No wonder Mr Rudd wants to censor the internet. Six clicks of the mouse and you can go from home wares to home whores. Of course it is only one click on my computer because I have that link in my favourites but I digress.

Let’s get onto your question, shall we? Death. You’re terrified of death. This is a common fear and one that is usually hard to overcome, especially as you grow older. Some wise man once said “nothing in life is certain except death and taxes”. Of course this is blatantly wrong as you can conveniently avoid paying any kind of tax by setting up offshore accounts and becoming a citizen of lovely places like Bermuda and/or the Cayman Islands. But yes, death will come to all of us at one stage or another and for some it will come sooner rather than later. I shall address how you deal with this inevitability later on.

You asked if I have ever had such a feeling. Of course I have, I am a mortal human being (for now) like the rest of you. My fear is nothing as common as death. Oh no. I have two major fears in life. They are as follows:

a)      Moths; and

b)      People called Nigel.

Both of these things cause me to shriek in fear or become rigidly paralysed. I don’t like Nigel’s after being repeatedly taunted in Grade 10 about my ‘Flock of Seagulls’ hairstyle by a boy of the same name. The resulting humiliation made me draw “OUTCAST” and “PENIS” on my arms with a black pen and pull out my hair in huge bloody clumps. I was a fragile flower of a boy when I was a teenager.

My fear of moths is a little more rational. I can’t stand these flying winged spawns of Satan with their dusty rustling wings and ability to fly right into my eye while I cower in terror. Did you know that the ‘dust’ they leave behind is actually small scales from their wings? They are like the spotty eczema-ridden leper of the insect world. I once woke up in the middle of the night feeling a presence in the room. At first I thought I was being visited by the ghost of my long dead but clinically insane grandmother but it turns out the presence was actually a large Bogong moth that had perched upon my face obviously waiting for me to open my mouth so it could climb into my throat and kill me with it’s dustiness. Needless to say, much screaming occurred and it was weeks before I could sleep without covering myself in a large tarpaulin.

Moths and wankers called Nigel aside, your fear is very real. However should you let this fear control your life then you’ll become a recluse. A shut in who spends the day measuring their blood pressure and wondering if every sneeze means a case of Avian Flu. Just like my Auntie Joan. You don’t want to turn into my Auntie Joan, do you? I suggest putting this fear to the back of your mind and enjoying the time you have left. Go out and party with your friends. Paint lovely murals. Do silly things with gherkins. The only time you should let that fear of death out is when you have a child or when you are careening around the corner in a stolen VN Commodore at 115k/hr while your mate cranes his neck over his shoulder and drunkenly says “Have we lost the cops?”

I hope this helps. Now please excuse me. I just saw a moth fly past the window. I need to make sure all the windows and doors are shut and that my considerable supply of insect-killing spray is at hand. I also need to take my blood pressure and wipe my nose. I have a cold. I think.

Yours truly,

Dr. Lazlo Panaflex

PS: Please see the picture below for the rationalisation of my fear. I saw one just like this the other day flying around my house. I am currently trying to buy a bunch of Surface to Air missiles on eBay.

See this moth? He's waiting for you to sleep so he can crawl in your moth and kill you.

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