Tom’s Potty Mouth

19 02 2010

Dear Dr. Lazlo,

I have a serious problem of not thinking before I speak. I’ve lost a job and numerous relationships both romantic and platonic have been ruined by what I say. Should I continue to be the person I am and risk destroying fragile relationships both professional and personal, or conform to the social norms as to what is acceptable to say?

Yours sincerely,


Hi Tom.

I hope this response find you in good health. As for your question, well it appears you aren’t alone in your predicament. I, too, am a sufferer of ‘convulsive gobbing-off’. I’ve been doing it since I was a wee lad and it has afflicted me all my life.

Quite often I will find myself blurting out things that I’ve just thought of. Now, this can be a useful trait if you are, say, an improvisational actor. Are you an improvisational actor Tom? If you aren’t then you have a choice to make…as you so succinctly point out in your question.

Do you:

1) Continue to make a complete tit of yourself by saying things like “Jesus, Tina has breath like a camel who’s been chewing faeces all day” while standing next to ‘Tina’. Or, as I have done quite often, comment on a co-worker’s inability to comprehend even the smallest tasks while the co-worker is within ear shot.

2) Make a concerted effort to ‘tone it down’ some.

This is the dilemma. Do you smother your personality like an unwanted puppy on Boxing Day or do you let it shine forth and be known as that socially inept deadshit who won’t shut the fuck up?

My solution is a combination of the two. You need to learn to think quickly on your feet. If Tina says “What? Did you say something about my breath?” you quickly say “Oh no, there’s a Tina on my bus who is a complete gronk….”. There’s also the adage: Time and a Place.

Time and a Place, Tom.

As in, make an effort to not be a boorish twat in the office or around your lady admirers. Then, when the situation is right…let that beast loose. A note here: the right situation isn’t at the dinner table with your girlfriend’s mother and father. It’s with your mates or, if you are like me, at home in a small dark room with your extensive collection of Star Wars paraphernalia and semen samples.

I hope this advice is useful to you. Don’t change your personality. It’s a hard thing to do and only leads to dark thoughts about “taking every bastard down with me”. Trust me, I’ve been there before. Learn to harness the inner twat and it can be your best friend.

Yours Faithfully,

Dr. Lazlo Panaflex




One response

19 02 2010
mc surly

is furtanken really a rent boy?

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