Saying the Wrong Thing and How to Dig Up.

19 02 2010

Dear Dr Lazlo,

Hi, first time caller long time listener…

Ever since a young age, I seem to enjoy getting in awkward conversations. It usually involves saying something to someone to make them feel awkward or tetchy, causing a sometimes unpleasant reaction. Sometimes they think my odd humour is funny, which i also like more. It has caused me issues at work and meeting girlfriends’ parents and such.

For example, last night I was sitting in front of the open fire with my lovely lady and she commented about how she liked my smell, which was nice and also confusing. I told her I liked her smell (which I do) and that it was like horses and celery (which it is not). She didn’t find it funny and seems to be quite concerned about my false statement. I told her it was not true and tried to put her mind at ease but she is still quite disturbed.

What do i need to do?

Josh

Hey there Josh.

I hope this response finds you in good health. I myself am feeling very perky after a session at the gym (high level cardio plus some high intensity perving) and a double shot flat white. I also stole a donut from the meeting room while the meeting attendees were having a short break. The sugary hit combined with the rush of stealing something has me feeling very chipper. But this has nothing to do with your problem, so let’s get stuck into it.

You enjoy awkward moments in conversations, do you? I go through phases like this every month or so. Sometimes I just crave that initial awkward intake of breath and the slow exhale while looking around the room when someone has just said something inappropriate like “Hey do you guys have weird bumps on the shaft of your penis?” How you deal with this awkwardness says a lot about a person’s character. I have a variety of approaches but my personal favourite is this technique. The minute I realise that the witty jibe I just uttered was a tad on the offensive side, I stare really intently and grin widely. Really intently. And we aren’t talking a cheeky grin here like a naughty school boy. We’re talking grin so hard that your head feels like it will split in two. Imagine the kind of grin Ivan Milat got while driving along a road and seeing a backpacker hitch-hiking. Well, that kind of grin with added creepiness multiplied by seven. That’s what we are talking about.  Sometimes I’ll even throw in a nervous giggle too like ”hehehehehehehehehehehe”. You could even snort a bit when you do it. I know I certainly do. A well timed laugh-snort can really ease the tension in the room. One half of my office thinks I am a likeable person while the others seem to think I am clinically insane. It makes for a very enjoyable day.

Now, onto your issue with your lovely lady. What is her name? For the purposes of this response I shall call her “Yolanda”. Now does Yolanda have a good sense of humour? Does she routinely laugh at your witty jibes and observations like a good woman should? I sure hope so. Her anger at you is not uncommon from a woman, especially one seeking a compliment. You see, Yolanda telling you that she likes your smell was actually a loaded statement in that she was seeking confirmation that she smells pretty fucking terrific. You, being a fun filled man ready for some shenanigans, didn’t see this and fell into the trap so many me have done before. You said The Wrong Thing. This is a bad thing to do. Once, my ex-wife (Fatima Panaflex), asked me if her arse looked a bit big in a tight ball gown while I was watching the afternoon snooker match on the ABC. With a barely perceptible glance away from the television machine, I replied “Certainly not, my dear. When you walk in that dress it looks like two kids fighting under a blanket”. A nice cute comment, isn’t it? Harmless and witty? Yes it is. I probably should have left it at that. I certainly shouldn’t have run with this idea and followed my initial comment up with “Yeah two kids. Two really fat kids and one of them has severe flatulence”.

This is known as Taking It A Bit Too Far and this is what you’ve done. You need to grovel and apologise for making her confused and sad. You can try and weasel out of it by suggesting that horses and celery actually smell quite good but I would suggest buying some flowers, running her a nice hot bath and buying her dinner. Alternatively, you can tell her you were hit on the back of the head by an errant basketball as a teenager and as such your olfactory nerve was severed and you haven’t been able to smell properly since. Personally, I’d go with the lie because it opens up a whole new world of potential awkward moments that I know you’d love.

Yours truly,

Dr. Lazlo Panaflex

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