Marital Advice? Sure why not…

19 02 2010

Dear Lazlo, 

I have a problem of a slightly personal nature, that maybe you could shed some of that all-knowing light on.

I’ve got a woman friend in my life, and have had for about 7 or so years now. She’s a good woman, I could do a hell of a lot worse. A ways back though, we separated for about 6 months, moved apart (we were living together), but eventually found ourselves back together, and all’s well with the world.

Or so it would seem.

Lately, I’ve noticed that she’s dropping hints about Marriage more and more, sometimes stopping just short of outright asking me, for which I am grateful. As in all honesty, I have found that I enjoying living by myself quite a damn lot. No mess, lots of space, Lots of time to draw, I’m sure you can understand what I mean….

Also, good woman that she is, She can be a right nut bag sometimes. Now, that’s normal for about 95% of the woman I’ve ever met, but now that this “marriage” thing has reared its head, I find myself projecting far into the future with every outburst. The slightest annoyance seems to hold the promise of an eternity of grief.

That being said, I’m not against the idea either, but something is scaring the living shit out of me about embarking on such serious adult business.

Any advice for a man in my situation?


Hello Scott.

This certainly is a serious situation to be in and you certainly aren’t the only guy out there with cold feet when it comes to long term commitment. There is a theory that men don’t want long term commitment because there is some cave man instinct in us that forces us to sow our seeds in every available woman. Likewise they say women want a long term relationship because they crave stability. This train of thought is both correct and incorrect. Some women love ‘playing the field’ and plenty of guys go silly over women and get infatuated which leads them to stalk girls and sometimes break into their house to sniff their dirty underwear and sometimes ejaculate on their pillows.

I’ve been in a similar situation as you before. I lived on my own for a number of years and I loved it…for a while. I was my own boss, could do what I wanted and quite often never wore clothes when I was home much to the chagrin of my next door neighbours. But there was something missing. I needed that relationship. I mean I didn’t need anyone to cook for me because I could reheat my own frozen dinners and buy my own clothes (who needs washing when you have a credit card). Having a woman in my life seemed to centre everything and I dare say, made me settle down. Not in a bad way. Had I continued my existence I’d most likely be a rotting corpse poorly covered by leaves in Toohey Forest due to unpaid drug debts to overzealous Russian gangsters.

Now you need to ask yourself a question. Do you truly love this woman? Scary and serious question isn’t it?. If, at any stage you look at her and go “hmmm nah” then don’t kid yourself that you have an awesome relationship. Marriage is a scary proposition and spending the rest of your life with someone is truly terrifying. I actually skipped the whole marriage first thing when I inseminated my partner during a gin and wine induced lustful haze of a night. We actually talked about marriage beforehand and said “who needs a certificate! Pfft” but now we have a mini-Panaflex running around it makes sense to get married for certain monetary reasons.
You are also very correct in saying that 95% of women are nut bags. Actually it has been scientifically proven (outlined in a forthcoming book called “Women: How to Live With Them, How to Dig a Shallow Grave” by yours truly. Released September ‘10) that every single woman possesses the ‘nut bag’ gene which turns them from mild mannered doe-eyed lasses to raging vicious psychopaths in milliseconds. There is no denying this outright fact. When you live with a woman, regardless of how lovely she is, there will be at least one “Sweet Jesus! I need to get the fuck away from this wailing Medusa” moment in your relationship. If you continuously think of your beloved as a soul-wrenching psychic vampire then I suggest finding another lady or consigning yourself to a life of bachelorhood.

What I would suggest you do is think carefully about your relationship and if you want to take it to the next step, then work out some ground rules. You and I are similar in that we need Our Own Time. You like to draw and I like to visit gay nightclubs where I pole dance in sexy drag under the psuedonym “Lolita Pillowsex”. It’s our way of escaping the mundane life of work and also provides us with a release. If your partner baulks at this idea then, well, words need to be said. Everyone needs a creative outlet, be it drawing or stand up comedy or ejaculating on pillows. A woman who refuses to give her partner this isn’t worth the time of day. I’m sure your lovely lady has a good head on her shoulders, after all she’s with you, so I’m certain she’ll understand.

Just don’t tell her about the ‘nut bag gene’ and/or my forthcoming book. I like my genitals where they are, thanks.

Much Love

Dr. Lazlo Panaflex




One response

22 02 2010

This advice was well and truly taken on board, and I have since proposed to the lovely lady in question..

Your book was invaluable Dr Lazlo!

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