Cranky and the World’s Hottest Burger

19 02 2010

This is an article written by my good mate, Mark (also known as Cranky), way back in 2007. As chilli aficionados, we spent a fair bit of time one upping each other in the hot-stakes. I’d grow cayenne chillies, he’d grow bird’s eyes. I’d grow habaneros and he’d send away for seeds from the University of New Mexico. It was never ending. One day, Mark stumbled across a cafe out in Wellington Point who reputedly sold “the World’s Hottest Hamburger”. A challenge was set. What transpired is outlined below as beautifully written by Cranky/Mark.

Dear sweet arseraping jesus i will make this report VERY quick because just the memory of the burger is giving me bowel cramps.

First of all the burger in question can be found at the “Off The Wall Diner” at Wellington Point in Brisbane.

Secondly, before it gets served to you you have to put on rubber gloves.

Finally, it was not so much a meal as a physical assault.

I swear to god i have never been in so much pain in my life. i was mentally prepared for the burn and had decided that no matter how hot it turned out to be i was just going to open a can of “harden the fuck up” and keep eating. So here’s how it panned out…

4 of us head to Wellington Point around 2pm for a cruisy Saturday lunch. Me, Thommo and our two better halves.

We know that drinking beer won’t help the burn, but just for psychological backup we have 2 6 packs of Little Creatures. We drink 1 6 pack on the way to the diner. We start on the other as soon as we arrive.

The 2 guys order the megadeath burgers to much laughter and derision from the kitchen of the diner. The 2 girls order sensible burgers.

We are downing the beer like water before we even see the burger so we run across the road and grab another 6 pack from the pub.

The girls burgers arrive and they are awesome hand made giant patty motherfucking things and I’m starting to get REALLY hungry.

Our burgers arrive, with rubber gloves and a recovery kit consisting of a big drink of milk and a bowl of yogurt. The challenge remains that if we can finish the burger without resorting to the recovery kit we get our names on a plaque on the wall…

I start eating, and eating fast. I stick with my game plan and ignore the burn, just push through the pain.

2 things happen immediately to my body.

1. I get violent hiccups as my body tries to reject the molten lava i am putting into it.
2. I begin crying like a little girl.

Not to be discouraged I forge ahead, quickly shoveling the burger into my mouth. I begin to descend into my own little hell. Staff come out and are watching us eat and are egging us on. I can barely notice anything except the immense pain in my mouth, eyes, ears (yes my ears were ringing) but most importantly in my stomach…

And this is the problem.

The burning mouth, the crying, the ringing ears I can handle. But now with less than a third of the burger to go my stomach seizes up and refuses to let me put anything into it. I take a deep breath and look for my can of “harden the fuck up” when I notice that my mate Thommo has stopped eating his burger just beyond the halfway point and is wandering aimlessly up and down the street.

He has honestly lost the plot and is walking around in circles.

I decide I can’t be defeated and manage one more bite before my stomach explains at this point that it is about to return to me everything i have just eaten at high speed. Not being able to face the prospect of vomiting back something that hot i pull off my gloves and admit defeat with 2 mouthfuls to go. The staff can’t believe I have got this close and not finished it but at this point i really don’t give a fuck because i have just started to hallucinate.

No exaggerations here for the next 15-20 minutes or so as we just sat there i was completely off my face. it is one of the strangest drug experiences I have ever had (thats a BIG call). The closest thing I can liken it to is the feeling you have when you are coming off an “e” and you are really jumpy, agitated, spun out and trippy.

Can I recommend this burger to anyone?

No fucking way.

Should you go and try it anyway?

Absofuckinglutely!

The Evil Burger

Crankytech crying like a little girl

Sweet Jesus I can see colours

Defeated

And about 2 days later…
it is now almost 48 hours later and i have just had my second shower for the morning.

Second shower? why have 2?

because i am still shitting white hot torrents of molten steel and i need to cool down my puckered, torn and abraded sphincter before it decides to go all “china syndrome” and melt through the crust of the earth to the core.

i swear to god all i have eaten in the past couple of days since the “event” is stomach and anus friendly food like yoghurt, and ham and salad rolls and yet here i am at 6am on monday morning wondering why i have just been fisted by someone with a handful of broken glass and gravel?

the burger was evil. and it’s evilness continues to taunt my bunghole.

shame on you for wanting to try this boobmeister. shame.

… and finally, a few days after that…

it lasted until tuesday night (i had the burger on saturday lunchtime) and i had my first *normal* crap on wednesday morning.

my mate i went who also tried the burger with came good on tuesday morning, but he admitted by “good” he meant he wasn’t bleeding profusely from his anus and eyeballs at the same time.

that burger was all fucked up.

now go try it.

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