A Medical Question

19 02 2010

Hi Dr. Lazlo,

I dislocated my left big toe today and as you do I popped it straight back into place.
I’m just wondering what I can do to speed up the healing process and to stop/rectify and damage that has been caused by this near fatal accident.

Yours lovingly,


Hello there Bo-Rad.

I really like your name. It reminds me of the name of a Jamaican man I met while on holiday in Belize who could blow smoke out of his ears while puffing on a joint the size of the Saturday paper. It wasn’t the only thing he could blow, if you know what I mean, but that is another story.

I see you have a bit of a problem with your toe. This is a common ailment with skaters and trapeze artists alike. I have done this particular injury on numerous occasions. Did you do it ollie-popping down a set of stairs like a radical extreme skater or was it on the high wire above the sawdust and elephant faeces. I sure hope it was the latter. Gosh I just love the circus. It’s just about the most wholesome entertainment a family can participate in. I don’t really care much for the clowns though. They creep me out and remind me of a nasty incident when I was ten that involved a bottle of Crème De Menthe, my Uncle Gary and a selection of Mum’s finest make up. “Our little secret” I was told to call this incident but I digress.

Now, there are two ways to rectify the damage/pain. I am assuming the toe has gone back in and isn’t jutting out like a pre-pubescent baboon’s penis? If not, get to a hospital immediately. If it is back in properly you can either rest and ice the toe constantly or do what former Queensland and Australian Rugby Union prop Dan Crowley (also an undercover cop for a few years there) did when he kept re-breaking his little toe. He got it cut off. Yep. Sliced off so he could keep playing rugby. Not sure if you want to go down this track as you are probably quite attached to your toe. Also the big toe helps you when you run. And you want to be able to run, don’t you? I use mine like a monkey uses its prehensile tail/ I grasp things with it and sometimes use it to dial numbers on my phone. I don’t know what I’d do without my big toe.

So I suggest repeatedly icing it and staying off it if you can. Don’t worry about a splint or bandage, just don’t skate or run or do anything that requires your toe to bend. If you still want to get involved in skating with your mates, then do what I do. I get drunk and heckle them so they rarely land any tricks. It sure does give you a nice sense of self satisfaction. Try it out.

Hope this helps. Good luck

Dr. Lazlo Panaflex




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: